A Kite in the wind

A laugh and a tear
Transparent thoughts...
She laughs at the irony
of not having a friend
No one is there
only-
silence
graves
longing.

Searching always for love
Finding it in people
and then losing it like air
She gasps to breathe
but breath comes in ripping coughs.

She draws a jagged line down the paper
Separating her pain from hope
On one side is a sketch of a girl
Swinging back and forth
from a tree branch
As the snow covers her closed lids
She is confused
Why did autumn have to end?
Why are the trees so bare and dead?

Her mind is in pieces and she wonders
yes... wonders at her own selfishness
At this need...this dreadful need for friendship

She fumbles through the pages of Kite Runner
The friendship between Amir and Hassan
and the price one pays for betraying a brother...
A tear rolls down her face
It rolls down down down to the depths of her soul
Because she knows...yes knows that she too betrayed.

She betrayed and hurt her...her own sister
The only sister she ever had or ever will have
And she cannot take it back.
She cannot take back the words
that cut her to pieces like needles
A pain deeper than the papercut on her knuckle
This pain is internal
and it spins her mind out of control
Out of control like a kite in the wind.

First snow

Staring into the frosty distance...






Through the lonely window
the first snow glides through the blue
she closes her eyes...
the secret still there
stabbing at her heart.



She thinks she knows them

She lives in their world

yet she is lost


in her own...

madness.

obsession.

memory.













The first snow flurry glides to her cheek



She brushes it away and smiles
and remembers the love
The love she thought she had-
yet lost.



The trees turned from yellow to bare
yet the snow blankets them
its a white land of purity
... of light from above



She tugs at her scarf and wonders
Where is true love?
Is it reflected in this tumbling snow?
Or in the warmth of that hug?
Or in the gratitude she feels for Him-
who will never leave her?



She rebelled in her heart
She didnt want to stay in this life
Yet now she welcomes it
She welcomes the snow and the rain-
the heartache in between the seasons


She looks to the sky for an angel
to embrace her with one word...
I will never leave you He says...
As she knows all else will.

Thank You Lord

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus"

Dear Heavenly Father,

I have so much to thank you for on this Thanksgiving Day. True, the turkey was delicious and my parents and I were together once more, but there is something much deeper that I must give thanks for. I must give thanks to the Lord, my savior.

My thank you list:

1. For pulling me out of the darkness and depression with God's son, Christ's love. Now I know life has more meaning than self-seeking. In Christ I have eternal life and hope for a world of joy that lasts always. When this body is dead I know I may still live on in spirit only by his grace. When I had no faith I was dead. I walked in a darkened laberynth questing for human kindness which was always gained and then lost. I seeked a career and a way to please everyone. Yet, all these could be taken away any moment...I must be thankful always and pray continually. I must seize the day to give thanks to the Lord for He has created me and given me life...a life that knows no tears only laughter and smiles in all circumstances.

2. For helping me see that studying God's word is all the hope I have in this life. Bible study could do much more for my well being than any psychiotrist ever could. I know look at the beauty of the world with new eyes... I look past the worldly things and see the heart of God behind all He has created and I am oh so thankful. In every tree branch and rain drop I see his face and his love for me.

3. For embracing me with love when others would shun me. I suffered much during school years yet the Lord guided me to Him and only Him. He is the only friend who will never leave me and when I die I know my last thought would be of Him and his love. Only his love is constant and my happiness in Him is in turn constant and knows no bounds.

4. For my mother's health. The Lord has blessed her. Even though she suffers from a brain tumor, she studies continually for accounting and works full time. She is my wonder woman! She has guided me through life and given me so much love and kindness. She was there for me and is my best friend. I deeply repent for hurting her with cruel words and rebellion. I never appreciated her love yet now I see how much she has done for me

5. For M Sarah who has been my spiritual mother and friend. Her kindness and love knows no bounds and she is an inspiration for how I wish to follow God's mission my whole life. Her heart of gold is what I wish to emulate as a missionary and Bible teacher one day. Bless her for all her faith and her constant love and belief in my own spiritual growth. Bless her family, Shepard David and little Danny

6. For helping me see what being faithful trully means. That faith is not changeable but constant. We might receive joy from reading a good book or watching a Broadway show, yet once we are finished with the entertainment, we crave more. We become miserable when things dont go our way. Yet, if we have faith, everything is possible. I pray to accept the Lord's will and live every day with the hope of seeking Him and developing a deep personal relationship. Only He guides my steps in this chaotic world.

End of Autumn and thanks

The Lord gives and takes away
May his name be praised

Thanksgiving and autumn. Crisp air and smell of dry leaves rushes through my being. I wish to live life, knowing only He gave it to me.

I lost a friend today. Yet instead of crying I am laughing. My heart full of thanks no depressed thoughts could enter it. The month of October zoomed past as the leaves transformed from green to gold and red to crisp and dead. Such is life...we are all like those leaves. We are born as innocent children, green and fresh...kind and loving. We then grow and experience changes us...transforms our colors. Sometimes we are led astray into heartbreak, loneliness, and anger. We give up too easily and the innocence of our childhood, the freshness of our faces crumbles away to sterness, hardness of heart, and wrinkles under our eyes. We live through days of happiness and immense sadness...it is God's will. We walk through life, we love others but they leave us. One day they WILL all dissapear like vapor. No matter how much we cling to each other, we stand alone. Yet, looking up at the outline of autumn trees against the blue sky, I know we are not alone. Behind the blue of the sky there is an ever protective eye always ready to embrace a lost soul. He is with us. He gives and takes away. Yet the promise of his love is real and eternal.

She walked down the leafy path to Rutgers, her thin black coat wrapped around her, gloves,wool hat and fuzzy grey scarf. A warm cup of coffee steams in her hand. She breathes in the smell of dry leaves mingled with the hint of chocolate and cinamon.

She saw the world through eyes that looked beyond what was in front of them. She saw the invisible...despite her sadness, the hope shone in her soul. "Oh, how lovely are the leafy trees, the soft tumbling leaves, the colors of Fall!", she spoke under her breath. Oh, how she wished the season would never end. Autumn was her secret safety...she loved the breeze, the crisp air, the children laughing and playing in the piles of crunchy leaves, her coffee, her books and the music she always hummed to herself. Always with headphones in her ears, she hummed and listened to notes all her own and glanced up to the sky to unravel the puzzle of its blue. She felt the melancholy silence and yet was happy in the solitude.

Thank you Lord for bringing me out of darkness to your light. I see the glory of your work for me...how much you expanded my soul to welcome life. I used to live in gray and the black but you colored my world with happiness. It is now rich with color, like a painting or a photograph of trees in autumn. You are the painter of a new life...one of truth,goodness, and daily gratefulness for your love.

Autumn's loss

Autumn at its end
The trees bow down and cry
Their skeletal branches
outlined against gray skies
Naked ...
all is black and white
No more color
No more love
Only the gray.

Drowning in self pity-


she counts down the minutes


Till the clock strikes three.





The bell rings


her mind and body tighten


in deep fear she stands at the door


Should she go or not?





She cannot decide


and welcomes God's will


It was not meant to be


She was never to see


this being whom she loved so much.





Love? Was it love? Was it obsession?


She could only block the thoughts


A movie, a painting anything


Please Lord give me anything


To make the pain end.





It is finished


She thought back to the Bible


She wants it to be finished


Finish-


the pain


the loss


the hurt



Please do not leave me!!!


As a young creature


Running through the fields


she would scream


Please do not leave me!!!





No voice would answer


not even of that being


She thought she loved





Now, the clock strikes three


and yes it is finished


She will go there no longer


She will remember no longer


Born to live and die alone


Yet in you Lord...she is not alone


I am not alone!


The Lord is her strength


her power


her happiness


her unending rainbow.





Unquinched is her heart


a heart begging for a hug


a heart begging...


not to be pushed away


Yet, today you did


you did! you did!


you pushed me away



Never am I to hear


the clicking of your heels


upon school's hard floor


never am I to call you...


sister.

My Favorite Painter: Renoir

photo reflections

Why do we walk through the streets screaming yet no one hears us? Where is the truth when all begins only to end? Where is the love that we all need so much yet are affraid to believe?

A little girl sat and stared out at the falling leaves

She learned to hide her hurt

An old woman sat in her living room alone

Sipping a cold cup of tea

Smiling to herself

Yes it is all over...no more love

Yet, deep down she faced hope

Beyond the black and white

The monotone of life

There was a glorious sunrise

In her heart and she welcomed it

Only to be met with a sunset and twilight

The little girl still watched the leaves

She let the wind brush her cheek

In the melancholy gloom of autumn

She and the old woman

Both alike

Both endlessly spinning their webs

Both endlessly searching for a way out

from a labyrinth with no end

AUTUMN WALK

The gentle wind blew through the leafy branches
Soft crunchy leaves glided through the wind
A multitude of reds and yellows tumbling to the ground
I breathed in the wonders of this Autumn evening
and thought....

I pray everyday in worship services and Bible Study to a God I cannot see. I am filled with hope and Jesus' life saving grace yet there is a struggle deep inside me. How can I love someone so much if I cannot see Him? He is like the wind blowing through these multicolored leaves...He is unseen and when I reach out my arms for him I cannot hug him close to me. I cannot feel his touch on my shoulder or his voice replying to my own. And then I realize...my endless fruitless quest for love and how many years I spent searching for people to hang on to...depending on their touch and their voice to comfort me. The tangible things of this world drove me onward yet...there is a deep void in my heart...a sickening emptiness and a bottomless pit of loneliness that was never filled by human love. People...all people they are no better than this wind. They come into your life and just as vapor they are gone. Yet, Jesus, the being most high that I cannot see is there with me always. He guides me onward into clarity and into real love...a love that doesnt end. He is the solid branches of the trees that give life to the leaves. The leaves are the many changes of my life...and like the passing seasons my own leaves go through stages yet the life giving branches are unchanging...it is what gives me life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpzRPa1I81o

A flight through the clouds

The sparkling light poured through
It was glittering and real
filling her darkness
Her soul sang with all the mingle of anguish, joy, and confusion...

The plane flew through the light clouds
Filled with grey, purple and all the shades of blue
She glanced through the window
Reaching for something
For someone
She was scared to lose love

A hand grabbed hers
and a cup of green tea was lovingly placed into her palm
She smiled faintly up at that kind face
And then cried
The hand reached out and hugged her

He stared at her through the clouds
She felt like falling yet she felt alive
And she knew where love was
Where it will always be

That is when the decision was made
She smiled and never cried again
Knowing there was safety
even up there in the dark clouds
She stared and yearned to paint them
In all the shades
To capture their beauty

Her shaking hand came back to rest
She felt it wasnt the plane that was flying...
It was she
And He was there with her
Dreams and life were real to her in this moment
And for the rest of her life


She sang her heart out for Him
and for those who led her here
To this love and this happiness
That will never end.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2XJ4KFBzsE

Wicked

What does it mean to be good or evil? Is there a concrete line that splits the two or do they mingle to the point of no separation? Last Thursday was the happiest night as M. Sarah and I sat in the darkened theater and watched the glorious musical "Wicked". The phrase which is witch" plays in my mind. How do we trully judge one's wickedness? Yes we are all wrapped in sin but sometimes sin comes due to circumstance. Elphaba was not bad from the beginning. I saw in her a lost and lonely witty young woman who was hurt by the world. Everyone ostricized her for her green skin...even her own adopted father hated her while her real father.. the wizard wanted her for his own ends. Yet she was so loving... so selfless. In her I see so many in my own life who resemble her. I even see myself... a small girl who did not speak a word to anyone throughout school as they all shunned me for my difference. In her I see a friend whom I come to cherish...in her I see all of us struggling within ourselves to find our purpose. What is goodness anyway? Elphaba learns quickly that all good deeds only end in punishment and suffering so she gives up and rises above her pain by becoming wicked. Yet, is this justification for wickedness? Must we rise above our struggles and the hurt by turning bad and doing evil to others? This is where the line between good and evil blurs in this musical...and not just in this musical but I feel in life as well. I personally tried so hard to be good to others and to care for them...I tried to follow Christ's example and do good deeds. Yet, I find myself struggling and instead of seeking God I often seek my own desires and then I hurt others...even my own friends and loved ones. Should all this be justified I wonder? Seeing this show opened my eyes to myself and to those I know in so many powerful ways but it also made me question where goodness really lies. Finally the friendship between Elphaba and Glinda touched me so. I wished and longed for such friendship my whole life yet I realized recently that no best friend stays with you forever....only God is our friend who will never leave us. I am so thankful to Him for letting Sarah come with me to this show. Thank God for her company and for the happiness she felt from seeing this musical. Thank you Lord for letting us enjoy your gift...to enjoy life. Yes, God's gift of life to us is true goodness...if we stay in his path the line between good and evil will never blur...I trully believe this.

Life is a song worth singing...

The Thorn Birds is a mini series from the 80s that touched my soul. I looked up into the dark sky from my bedroom window and cried out...cried bitter tears of devotion and sadness. Yes sadness, because I know what it means to sacrifice your life for something you hold dearer than your own life and that is love for someone else. I love God and people and I cannot choose between them just like Father Ralph cannot do in this brilliant tale. As I looked to the dark sky I prayed to God that he may guide me to know what love is. That in loving Him I may never let go of love. Should we make that choice between God and love? I asked this of myself.

No matter how much Maggie suffered and lost, she never lost her ability to love. Her human spirit persevered all suffering. I see so much of what I ve learned about our Savior Jesus Christ through Father Ralph's struggle with himself. He could never give up Maggie for he loved her with all his life yet he couldnt give up God. I never will give up God and as I watched this film I made a vow to Him. I shall never leave Him but I will never let go of my capacity to love. I do love certain people in my life with all my heart and I vow to Him to protect them and take care of them till the end. My vow of love is eternal to both Him and to those on this earth.

As the film shows, we are sent here to this earth to suffer so much yet we must keep our ability to love within our hearts to the end and sing for happiness like the thorn birds. Father Ralph says as he dies, "they keep singing even as they die with the thorn in their breast" I wish to be like the thorn bird, giving my life for God and suffering all for eternal happiness in His Kingdom yet never giving up on love. It takes all our strength and spirit to overcome all suffering and yet never let go of our capacity to love each other. I shall love till the end of my days. Yes, that is my vow to you my Lord. My heart sings for you always.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhzJO34SCoc

Dead Poets Society

Never have I seen a film that has inspired me so.

I wish to run under the rain and write and write

Till my fingers are stiff from the writing

The world seemed an endless dark pit to me earlier today

As I lost my best friend of 10 years and we will never speak again

Yet I know now that the loss was not much when I gained freedom of spirit and life

I saw what it means to dig deep into your soul and find the true marrow of life

To live each moment and see the beauty in every tree branch, every leaf, every rain drop

To die would be a waste whereas to live is a miracle

Yes, this is what I learned from this wonderous English teacher in the film.

I am reminded of my own mentor in High School and how she has and still does inspire me daily

How before I used to be all alone but now I am comforted through writing.

Poetry, testimony, narrative...they are the essence of our being

I can finally look to the sky and know that the dark clouds have passed

And a glorious rainbow smiles down on me

In this movie, in this life, in this moment I know I am not alone.

Somewhere from within
A voice tries to escape
it is feeble yet penetrating

Tugging at their ears
trying to make them hear

The others-those outside
How I wish I could know them
How I wish this selfishness away

A tiny girl makes sand castles
with her small shaking hands
Sculpting away for hours
Digging deep in the sand
to hide the deadly tears
screaming from deep down
The lifeless clay mocks her.

Watching and always seeing
Observing them all with curious eyes
and an unsymetrical face
Seeing through them all
Yet finding true friendship
Nowhere

She sits and sculpts
Dreaming of truth
Dreaming of something higher.

A being beyond this wretched world
Someone to embrace forever
This small frail human body
with Heavenly love
And make this darkness disappear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzyUWLD9f1o