Independence Day

The fear is tightening
like dead cold lifeless fingers
around my fragile neck.

A murmur of memories
flooding in like the endless sea
Boundless and murky
with no way out.

That fear...
It is so pressing sometimes
I freeze
Like an empty shell of a doll
my eyes glassy and unreal
With tears frozen beneath the lids.

Her father is dead today
While others celebrate independence
She is a prisoner.

The leaves crumple into nothing and fade
BANG BANG BANG
skies flood with light and sparks
With every bang her eyes squeeze out water

A rose trampled underfoot
The red roses he grew by the house.
Now nothing remains of that garden
No trace of him either...

Only her memory is fresh
I watch her in wonder and pity
Sitting across the table from me
Calmly sipping her tea
While the brown of her eyes fills with pain.

Pain...
More real and penetrating
than death itself.

It numbs my trembling heart
O Lord how can I help her?
O Lord what agony it would be to lose her
I cannot bear the hurt
Who will bandage her soul
when we part?

At the window

A view
when life offers us none.

She sits at the window
gazing into the foggy mist
squinting to see
yet seeing nothing.

It was a long hot day
When she is restless for autumn
Longing for the breeze
and the smell of fresh rain.


Her hands tired and worn
From cleaning and washing
Dry and wrinkly
Just like her eyes.

She says a quiet prayer
gazing out
praying for silence and peace
While children rush in
screaming "Mommy, Mommy!"

I gaze at her and wonder
A young girl is trapped in those eyes
those eyes of an old woman

I look to the sky and pray
Pray for her to be free
to find that room with a view
To find a moment of peace

A moment to look out
at the rolling hills of Korea
A moment to breathe in
To take in all the beauty

A moment to surround herself
with comic books
with paints and brushes
with photographs

and take a moment
to look out the window
and remember
yes...remember the essence of life
Left behind.

Coffee heaven

Steam and cream
Five spoons of sugar
A smile floats onto my lips
I breathe in the chocolate scent
And know...this is home
This is truth

The cup is elegant
With its Victorian flower patterns
Lilies and roses climbing up the handle
The cream swirls
As my spoon twirls and twirls through it
Like the ballerinas performing on the Met stage
My grandma takes me to see often.

Her cup is blue porcelain
Hand-made
Within its depths of blue flowers
Two slanted eyes peak through
Eyes of laughter and yet bitter tears
Gaze at me as if in question


I close my own eyes and life rushes by
Like trains in a busy subway station
All the people huddling and nudging elbows
Frowns and smiles as the wheels clank on
Against the cold metal tracks
Yet when I open my eyes
I am back safe in this kitchen
No more madness of this world
No more trains
No more darkness.

The coffee's steam fills my mind
Thoughts rush in of a life I wanted
The life I have now
Is it what I expected?
No...it is so much more

God is merciful
For he saw my heart
He brought me back from the depths of sadness
Into the light and warmth of this kitchen
Who would have thought
That this cup of coffee
is all the two of us need
to find home?

My sister

A blossom unfolds its petals
gleaming in the dewy morning.

She sits and observes its intricate design
Wondering about the God who created such beauty

She then looks back to her sister
No we are not blood relations
But we are sisters in Christ

I ve always searched for her you see
In the deadly gloom and silence of my youth
I had no one to turn to
and then I found her.

She thought herself an old woman
when I saw a girl in her 20s.

All clad in black and gray
with a trace of lip gloss
Brown eyes hidden by simple glasses
A brilliant artist lurking in her soul

We laugh and drink herbal tea in our cold kitchen
then minutes later I see that stern look
I grow affraid for her smile is replaced by gloom
There is something in it...some pain that is hiding
A life...a brilliant mind and a loving heart
all appear trapped deep within her...
Like a little girl banging fists against the window
That wont open to the sunlit world-
shut up in the darknened house alone.

She seems lost in some darkness
And I cannot find a way to bring her out
To unlock the window and let her fly free

She brought me closer to the Lord
We pore over the Bible
Faithfully with open hearts
She helped me see the truth
Now perhaps He can help her
I pray daily this may be so.

The bloom unfolds its petals
It glimmers
But wilts away quickly.
I see her wilting away
Lord, keep her safe.

The new house

Tremors
She's searching
for a sweet stern face
in the silence
of the kitchen.

Clock beats one two three
each beat penetrating her heart
She cannot bring her back
from her gloom

The Wind whispers through every crack
in the house they moved to...
yet the home is not real
The girl looks on

A room with a view?
There is no view only roof tops
Of dingy suburbs

Trapped in herself
Trapped in her doubts
Praying yet wondering if her prayer is real
Asking God for forgiveness
yet not hearing his reply

The cage of her life suffocates
the laughing spirit of her childhood

She...the girl pouring a cup of tea
a girl or an old woman all in black?
They sat and drank the steamy cup wondering...
about the life around them
and in seeing its absurdity... they smile
No words necessary...a smile was all they needed
To know.

A dark house they cant get used to
yet one thing is sure
they hold on to each other.
She looks at the stern girl and thinks...
"In this life we will always be sisters you and I"
Thats all that matters and our house is a home.
He is there with us
No matter where we go
His house is the one constant in our lives
when all else crumbles.

A Kite in the wind

A laugh and a tear
Transparent thoughts...
She laughs at the irony
of not having a friend
No one is there
only-
silence
graves
longing.

Searching always for love
Finding it in people
and then losing it like air
She gasps to breathe
but breath comes in ripping coughs.

She draws a jagged line down the paper
Separating her pain from hope
On one side is a sketch of a girl
Swinging back and forth
from a tree branch
As the snow covers her closed lids
She is confused
Why did autumn have to end?
Why are the trees so bare and dead?

Her mind is in pieces and she wonders
yes... wonders at her own selfishness
At this need...this dreadful need for friendship

She fumbles through the pages of Kite Runner
The friendship between Amir and Hassan
and the price one pays for betraying a brother...
A tear rolls down her face
It rolls down down down to the depths of her soul
Because she knows...yes knows that she too betrayed.

She betrayed and hurt her...her own sister
The only sister she ever had or ever will have
And she cannot take it back.
She cannot take back the words
that cut her to pieces like needles
A pain deeper than the papercut on her knuckle
This pain is internal
and it spins her mind out of control
Out of control like a kite in the wind.

First snow

Staring into the frosty distance...






Through the lonely window
the first snow glides through the blue
she closes her eyes...
the secret still there
stabbing at her heart.



She thinks she knows them

She lives in their world

yet she is lost


in her own...

madness.

obsession.

memory.













The first snow flurry glides to her cheek



She brushes it away and smiles
and remembers the love
The love she thought she had-
yet lost.



The trees turned from yellow to bare
yet the snow blankets them
its a white land of purity
... of light from above



She tugs at her scarf and wonders
Where is true love?
Is it reflected in this tumbling snow?
Or in the warmth of that hug?
Or in the gratitude she feels for Him-
who will never leave her?



She rebelled in her heart
She didnt want to stay in this life
Yet now she welcomes it
She welcomes the snow and the rain-
the heartache in between the seasons


She looks to the sky for an angel
to embrace her with one word...
I will never leave you He says...
As she knows all else will.